Suzie1

been thinking a lot about suicide recently. im not suicidal i don't think. sure, it's crossed my mind during my low points, but like how i have thought about giving my dogs up for adoption and even vocalized it to friends, still never actually done it. i love them too much. but they make life more difficult - finding housing, costing money, costing time, but their presence far outweighs those hardships. and somehow i always find a way to keep them around. i came close, once, to giving them up, but just couldn't do it. think suicide is a lot like that. mostly im scared of it, the process of it, the pain, the unknown, and i like to think at least my dogs would miss me. deep down i know they would be ok, but they are my anchor, as are my friends. i don't want to hurt any of them with such an act. maybe its presumptuous to assume my friends would miss me. one told me recently that they would be sad if i did it and that really felt good. but just as i think about my puppers dying and how i need to prep for that eventuality, i think about my own death and how to mitigate the pain and unpleasantries that come with it. for example, what if i become terribly hurt or sick and am in pain long enough where that pain overshadows what little joy life gives me? getting old and sick is inevitable for all of us, after all. i don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want to prepare for that, have a plan, even a plan to end one's life if things reach a point where the pleasure and comfort of life is irreversibly diminished through sickness or injury. my friend told me that thinking about it too much means i suffer twice, which makes a lot of sense, so i'm trying to not focus on it, but i feel like having a plan will reduce my current ruminations on the topic. if i have a plan, even if i never carry it out, i feel that will help me suffer less in the meantime, maybe take some of my anxiety away. so, i've been thinking a lot about the best methods to suzie one's self..i have some metrics which i've been considering such as the time it takes to carry out the act, the pain level, the anxiety created by different methods, the mess it makes for others, the violence involved..things like that. i haven't formalized these metrics yet, but i plan to do that in an essay, along with some reasons why society should be allowed to discuss this topic openly without judgement. i believe if you take any ideal and hold it up as the principle ideal that must be upheld at any cost, any sacrifice, then you become a devil. life is a good example. someone can be in a position where death becomes preferred over life and i don't think we can judge someone in such a position.